Several days ago, before we all got distracted by the OSM/PJM fiasco, I mentioned “the most insulting preview I’d ever seen.� Well, now that the other story is back off the radar after it’s five minutes of fame, it’s time to return to why I sometimes hate going to the movies.

Ok, I was there to see Harry Potter. (So I’m one of those 40+ guys with no kids, who goes to see HP anyway. Sue me.) Edwards on Katy Freeway. We settled in for “The Twenty,â€? which started out as an annoying short feature but has now turned into an annoying commercial-fest. Worse, as it went on, I realized that the commercials and previews were being mixed together. I’ve never seen that before, and I really didn’t like it. (The movie also began with no warning, so I wasn’t sure for a few moments if it was the movie or another preview. That hasn’t happened to me since Kentucky Fried Movie.)

When Jack Black appeared on screen with a table full of kids and corporate types, it wasn’t immediately evident which this was. It was highly evident that the concept was terribly slanted though. The kids kept lecturing the corporates about how they were evil and dooming the earth through global warming (everyone knows that capitalism contributes to global warming!), so they were going to sue all the evil Megacorps. The corporate stuffed shirts (all greyhairs) would try to bribe them with candy, toys, kid shows, etc. Jack Black, in a performance fit to make me pine for PeeWee Herman, would be distracted and nearly fall for it, only to be jerked back to “reality� by the kids; he’d harangue the corporates for a bit, only to fall for the next distraction. Puke, rinse, repeat. All this was to advertise a special on TBS.

“Aiming to prove that laughter is the best medicine–even for what’s ailing the planet…â€? (even if it’s horrible science, utterly unproven and hotly — ouch! — debated) “…a two-hour comedy event featuring America’s funniest superstars. Featured performers include: Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Larry David, Robin Williams, Steve Martin, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and more.â€? Oh yes, I remember splitting my sides over the sheer genius of comedy superstar Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Williams is a superstar, Martin is a superstar. The rest of the cast range from the ordinary star to the merely well known.

The sickening enviro-kook slant, leftist anti-corporate ideology, and subliminal message (“Kids, you’re smart if you want to save the earth! Bring the evil, distracted adults to reality!�) were bad enough, although I’d only be nauseated at that. What was it that drove me over the edge into actually being angry and insulted?

The name of the special: “Earth to America.�

God. F*cking. Damn. How DARE Ted Turner (who thinks the corrupt and venal UN is the great hope of humanity) and a tiny minority of people, even pissant whining Hollywood types, who are obviously soooo much more intelligent and caring than the rest of us, choose to lecture the entire nation on behalf of the whole goddamn world???? Who appointed them spokespeople for all the other peoples of the earth, not to mention the planet itself? Talk about taking yourselves entirely too seriously! Not to mention the fact the title is denigrating to the entire nation. If there’s someone left under a rock, or perhaps speaking a foreign language, who doesn’t catch the idiom, “Earth to…� is a way of saying “Hey stupid! Pay attention to what I’m saying!�

Oh absolutely. We should all stop what we’re doing because the Wise People of Hollywood have spoken. Yes Master. We apologize for being such idiots as to be distracted by kids shows, toys, and candy. Could I ask one thing first, though? Could somebody tell me what the hell making movies and cracking jokes has to do with knowing jack (non-Black) about the environment? I mean I’d pay attention to Carl Sagan before I’d listen to a bunch of moviemakers opining way the hell outside their area of expertise. And Sagan did as much or more than many people to popularize the bogus “global warming� theories. At least he had some scientific credentials to work with, even if they weren’t in climatology.

Let me point something out. I’m no climatologist either, but I can note that a simple damned hurricane releases more energy per second than an atomic bomb. And we had, what, 25-26 named storms this year? Each one lasting days? In one half of the northern hemisphere alone? How many thousands of nukes is that? The climate is a vast system of interlocking factors that spin these incredible storms up to blow off a little excess energy. And we’re supposed to believe that chopping down a few forests can tip the balance? Go read a history book or three, morons. Did you know Libya used to be the breadbasket of the Roman empire? When it dried up, Rome had to conquer Egypt to ensure a food supply. Did you know Dutch colonists were able to ice skate on a frozen Hudson river? Did you know the Pueblo Indians of the American southwest were forced to abandon their cliff-side homes because the area dried up around 1400? Do you know how Greenland got it’s name?

The climate is constantly shifting and changing. Mankind has little, if anything, to do with it. All the energy we release through use of fossil fuels and such are a piddling amount compared to the energy put into the system by the sun. If my room’s too warm, the first thing I check is the furnace’s thermostat, not the setting on my waterbed. Maybe Hollyweird should figure that out.

So. Let me make a suggestion to all of you in this special, who feel a need to tell your home country and fellow citizens how stupid they are: We don’t care what you think. Go away. If America is that stupid and evil, just move. Stop paying taxes to support the heinous policies of the Bushhitler Hallicheney mafia, and find a morally superior home that wants you. Because we don’t like people that have the unmitigated arrogance to insult us and claim that they are speaking for the whole world at the same time.

You don’t speak for me.

Edit: P.S.: Where’s the USO specials for the troops? Didn’t we just have a Veterans Day?