I can hardly believe it, but there is a panel out there even more brazenly corrupt than the Nobel Peace Appeasement Prize commitee. Un-be-frickin-lieve-able.

Jessica Biel named “Sexiest woman alive” by Esquire.

Whaf the tuck?

“It seemed like it would be great — having named Anglina Jolie sexiest woman of the year last year — to try to come up with somebody who was on everyone’s radar screen, but who was also fresh,” said Esquire editor-in-chief David Granger. “It just seemed like Jessica Biel’s moment.”

Just how damn much did her studio have to pay for this marketing schlock anyway? And what the hell could justify such an insane expenditure?

The 23-year-old Biel, who began as a teenager on the family TV series “7th Heaven,” plays a supporting role in the upcoming “Elizabethtown” and starred earlier this year in “Stealth.”

Oh really? She’s not even the lead actress? Jeez, I didn’t know Jessica had enough money to bribe the magazine herself. “Gimmie summa dat money, bish! An’ no mo’ backtalk, needer!”

I mean dayum. Look out for that chin if it’s heading in your direction. Canadian icebreakers don’t have bows that sharp. I mean really. Yeah, I’d do her if I ever got the (fat) chance, but you can say that about women a hell of a lot further from “sexiest alive.” Let’s be honest. Most of us guys don’t have a standard much above the second word, after a few beers.

And then there’s the rest of the list:

The magazine also picks a woman for three older age brackets: the Chinese actress Gong Li, 39; the 47-year-old Sharon Stone; and Rene Russo, 51.

Gong Li? Never heard of her. Someone on the panel is obviously a fan of Chinese food though. Frankly, so am I. I’d hit it, and beer woudln’t be necessary, either. For me, that is. She might need hard liquor.

Forty-seven year old Sharon Stone. Ugh. Sorry, she belongs in the 50+ category. Special exemption for her. She’s a walking advertisement for plastic surgery the way Whacko Jacko is for NAMBLA.

Rene Russo, fifty-one. Go, go gadget Clairol powers! Lemme give ya a hint honey. At this age, if you’re lucky, your “good profile” for the camera is your ass— unless it’s started sagging too.

Anyway, the idiots got it right last year, so there was no reason to pick again. I mean, what, AJ’s been in a disfiguring accident I didn’t hear about?

But that’s Hollywood corruption for ya…. Sexy today, Gone tomorrow.